A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window. LONG He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."
Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"
Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right?
Genie: look at your crotch.
Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.
Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p.
It's my new year's resolution.

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The background context is:
One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See Below for the question Paper
Q.1. Your Name........ .........(2 MARKS)
Q.2.. Which tyre burst?(98 MARKS)
a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

A naked woman robbed a bank filled with men.
Nobody could remember her face.

DOCTOR: You need new glasses….PATIENT: How do you know? I haven’t told you what’s wrong with me yet….DOCTOR: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window

What is at the end of everything? → The letter g

A boy went into a hardware shop and said my dad wants a piece of 4x2. The salesman said how long does he want it? The boy said, uummmmm, I think he wants to keep it.

Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.
The older sister says, "I’m going to take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pick-up truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I'll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home."
The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator said he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her this word: comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
She explained, "This is a big word for my sister. So she'll read it very slowly ... sounding it out as com-for-da-bull."

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?You are just jealous of me. I make your spouse scream louder than you!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

A man is not complete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.” - Mae West

What’s the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.

WTF is an acronym

In what way is the Starship Enterprise like a piece of toilet paper? They both circle around Uranus looking for Klingons.”

Q: Why don't boxers have sex the night before their match?

A: Because they don't like each other.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
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An old religious woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. Everything is fine until she brings it home. It begins to swear uncontrollably. F this, F that, F you and finally the lady can stand it no more. She grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door shut. Squawking, shrieking, pounding, and cursing come out of the freezer for a few moments and then it goes quiet.
The woman is scared that she has hurt the bird and opens the freezer. The parrot walks calmly out and steps gently onto the woman's outstretched hand. He looks into the lady's eyes and says "Ma'am, I am truly sorry if my language offended you and it will not recur. If I may ask, what did the chicken do?"
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What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy when she's on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
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A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."
Dejected, the string leaves and returns home once again. A few weeks go bye, and the string decides to try his luck one more time. He ties himself up and pulls apart the top of his string to change his appearance. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks long and hard and says,"You look familiar. You've definitely been around here. Aren't you that string from a while back?"
The string looks him straight in the eye and says cooly,"Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Why don't blind people skydive?
Their dogs hate it.
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One afternoon a teacher sent her class home with an assignment to have their parents tell them a story with a moral to it. The next morning in class she asked if anyone would like to share their story. Two dozen eager hands shot up and the teacher surveyed the room before choosing a girl in the front. “Ok, Sarah- let’s hear your story.” “Well,” Sarah began, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chickens had laid 6 eggs but when they hatched we only got 5 chicks.” “And what was the moral to that story?” “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch,” Sarah answered! “Very good,” said the teacher. “Who else would like to share their story?” A small boy in the back raised his hand and the teacher called on him. “My family raises chickens too,” said the boy, “but we raise them for their eggs. One day we gathered all of our eggs in a basket and put them in the back of the truck to take them to market. On the way out truck hit a bump and all of the eggs fell out and broke!” “And what was the moral here,” asked the teacher? “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket!” “Wonderful,” said the teacher. “We have room for one more story- who has a good one?” She called on another boy, “ok Johnny- tell us your story.” “My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in desert storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so t wouldn’t go to waste and when she landed there were 100 enemy soldiers waiting for her. She killed the first 80 with the machine gun before she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete before the blade broke off, then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” The teacher was appalled and stammered, “w-well what did your father say was the moral of that story...” “Stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!”
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How's drinking Miller Lite like having sex in a canoe?
They're both fucking close to water.

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer, the lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"
Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy"
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

What do you get when you mix Goat DNA and Human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? choking noises
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
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Two nuns go driving between convents.
They're driving through the country when a vampire jumps onto the hood.
The passenger nun says "Quick! Show him your cross!"
The other nun says "Get the FUCK off my car!"
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A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.10"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 10 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre.

A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions”, the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?”, the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose so”, the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”
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For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
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A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"

When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes a groan-up.
When it leaves you and never comes back.
When the person telling it is a Mother F*cker.
When you take a pun father than you should.